From Broken to Whole

The enormous fear used to creep up on me like the wirings on the mouse trap ready to hook me on at any single moment.  I was constantly overwhelmed by this gigantic fright.  But those wirings had somehow become silken cotton threads in His holy presence.  I finally realized what has been corking me from His endless anointing until I participated in this segment of the retreat program, “From Broken to Complete.”  This was a big surprise from God. 

Testimony: From Broken to Whole

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are-yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. (Hebrews 4:15-16 )

I have been living in the torment of anxiety for many years.  I kept myself occupied with tons of tasks so that my mind would free me from guilt.  Only in long hours of prayer, I got to taste the sweetness of peace.  The 2nd segment, “Be Bold And Fearless “ from the Complete Redemption Retreat gave me this very chance to deeply experience His Spirit who, like silk and linen, surrounded me with peace and consolation.  I was kept bondage by the religious spirit for a long while.  Everything I did focused on not offending Him.  I felt distant from God and I didn't believe He loved me either.  I was so frightened and thirsted for His embracement.  I’ve tried all I could; but there was still this helpless void.  His unique love to me seemed unrealistic and inexistent.  I was deeply puzzled.  My tears kept running down when the ministry team was ministering the issue on fears.  I was very tired for my body was exhausted from crying for two days.  There were numerous times that I thought my tears has run out.  But the Holy Spirit touched me so profoundly that I was able to release my emotions.  I knew It was His divine work.  The enormous fear used to come upon me like the wirings on the mouse trap ready to hook me on at any single moment.  I was constantly overwhelmed by this gigantic fright.  But those wirings has somehow become silken cotton threads in His holy presence.  Anyone could easily pull the thread away from my body.  I saw a tunnel full of brightness.  My husband was standing in the light wearing a very clean white shirt.  He was looking at me with gentleness and tenderness.  For the very first time I felt I had the strength to love him since we got married four years ago.  I sensed there was this warm gentle stream flowing outward from my fingertips and my heart.

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim the good news to the poor.  He has sent me to the broken-hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and to provide those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise in stead of a spirit of despair. (Isaiah  61:1-3)

God surprised me to reveal what has been corking me to receive His endless anointing in the 2nd segment of the retreat program, “From Broken to Complete,” during the 2nd day.  The minister team represented those who hurt us either physically or emotionally and apologized on their behalf.  My problem mainly came from the years of emotional and verbal abuse from my mother.  My thoughts always went back to the last few days before she passed away.  She even had nothing to say to me until the moment she died.  I felt only God and myself could understand the pain and brokenness I suffered.  I thought for sure this was the key stopping me from experiencing His love.  Lee-Ling, our beloved sister, took up the role as my mother.  She hugged and comforted me with tender voice and loving tears that my mother never gave.  They were like angelic works engraved onto my heart.  She has added these missing pieces into my memories to make them whole.  Her husband, James who was standing behind her somehow caught my attention.  After Lee-Ling let go of me, I threw myself into his arms and wailed restlessly.  I saw my father wearing a suit and standing in the light by my husband.  I recalled how fearful I have been before him.  I remembered how he treated me with his sarcastic comments and ignorance whenever I made wrong choices; how he waited for me until I came home safely in the middle of the night; how he walked me and handed me to my husband during the wedding banquet with tears running downing his face for hours after he went back to his seat.  He even said he loves me more than my mother when I was sick in bed.  Our gracious brother, James, held me in his arms just like my father used to do.  For one moment I thought he was my father.  Then I realized this vision of my father and husband who stood in the middle of the light and looked at me peacefully symbolized God’s profound love.  And this was the root problem of my relationship with God.  For as long as they stood in the light, I received God’s loving anointing.

May my testimony bless every single heart.  May God’s love warm up every broken soul.  Bless you all in Jesus’ name!

Abigail - April, 2015